Farmers Almanac Revisited

by Georgeanne Vyverberg – 

Last year my daughter gave me a Farmers Almanac for Christmas. I used to buy one every year, but somehow got out of the habit so it was a nice surprise. The cover promises that this issue contains “useful information, with a pleasant degree of humor”. The editor states on the front cover that it now contains, in bold print” NEW, and ENTERTAINING MATTER.”

There are articles about gestation and mating tables for various farm animals. Also, there are some interesting statistics. For example, “most pet owners spend 90 minutes a week cleaning up after their pets”. It isn’t clear however whether this is for one pet or multiples, nor whether the pets in question are dogs, cats, reptiles, gerbils etc. I do believe this statistic is somewhat false. One of those fake news stories that are so very commonplace these days. In any case I can attest that it is more time than a mere 90 minutes. For example, just recently my two cats were sparring in the middle of the night as cats are known to do.  I did hear some ruckus in the kitchen, but was too tired to investigate. The next morning, I discovered one of the frisky felines had managed to have locked himself in a cupboard, and lacking litterbox facilities used several pans for his needs. Now I can assure you that it took me way more than 90 minutes for just one day.

Another article states that “sixty percent of new homes are being built with two master bedrooms so that couples can sleep separately”. I wonder if they remember when sleeping together was the reason for getting together in the first place?

The best and most entertaining however are the classifieds, which are hidden in the back of the book, almost as if the farmer readership, who are mostly interested in the happenings of weather, might be embarrassed to wander there. A friend of mine remarked that “these ads seem as foreign to her as a snake handling prayer service.”

Here are a few.

Brother Daniel from the Louisiana Bayou” promises to end your confusion for good!”

Spiritual psychic healer Helen from Egypt (!!) “restores lost love.” As a matter of fact, almost all of these folks promise to return lost or stolen lovers. I ask who would want them back, but then there is no accounting for the heart’s yearnings for some.

For $39 Reverend Doctor Adams “promises results no matter what the spell.” It’s not entirely clear what kind of spells. I was tempted to call the Reverend Doctor-double protection there, a Reverend and a Doctor, but he did not have a 1-800 number like many of the other experts.

Savannah Georgia’s own Angel Guide Catherine boasts, there is no problem she can’t solve!” I wonder if she could fix my squirrel problem. While I certainly enjoy their antics, I haven’t ’been happy about a particular fellow, who loves to jump on my windowsill, where my cats enjoy watching the world go by. The rascal then runs back and forth teasing my cats into a frenzy. Again, it takes me many more minutes to clean the cat spit from the windows due to all the hissing.

Monica, God-Gifted Psychic Miracle Worker guaranties to remove” negative energy”. You can call her 24/7. Also, Psychic Martha” promises immediate results!” Wouldn’t it be fun to check this out? Say for example your horse gets out, and is trampling your neighbor’s garden down the road. Said neighbor has been waiting impatiently for that first tomato to ripen and now is threatening to shoot your horse. Can Martha really help? Immediately? Maybe Psychic Monica can join forces with Martha. International advisor psychic healer John will help where “others have failed” and he takes credit cards! This is certainly reassuring.

Love, career, happiness, lotto numbers, money, health promised all right there in the Farmers Almanac.

As far as weather predictions they have been uncannily correct so far.