Light Lens: Migration reform

by T. Touris –

Tensions have been running high in the Finger Lakes region of late. Two local residents, Hank and Gertrude, have decided to speak out.

Hank and Gertrude’s families have lived on Canandaigua Lake for millennia.  In their view, the “human problem” that has been rapidly growing over the last century has finally reached a tipping point.

Here’s what they had to say, in this Owl interview with columnist T. Touris:

Owl Light News: Lately, you and your fellow geese have had some difficulties with the local human population.

Why have things gotten so bad?

Hank: Look, we’ve tried to work with them. They planted the nice green lawns. We liked that and tried to express our appreciation with free lawn fertilization services. What do we get in return? A slap in the beak. Being shooed away, having to jump over fishing line …

Gertrude: And those insulting cardboard dog cutouts!

How dumb do they think we are?

Hank: It’s not working.

These disgusting mammals have to go.

Gertrude: They’re not all bad. Some of them feed us corn and bread. The little humans are so cute sometimes!

Hank: No! They have to go, at least anyone without native ancestors going back 500 years.  Put them on boats, trains whatever, get them out of here. I don’t care where, Europe, Mexico, wherever.  Well, not Canada, that’s our territory too.

Owl: What are your main grievances with the humans?

Hank: In a nutshell, they’re greedy, loud and stupid.  Do you really need a 32-foot powerboat on a land-locked lake? 1,800 feet of water frontage and a 2,500 square foot “summer nest”? Our nest is about 10 square feet and we haven’t even downsized yet.

Gertrude: We plan on having a few more dozen goslings.

I want lots of grand-goslings!

Hank: Yeah, well what are you going to do when a human tries to oil our eggs?

Gertrude: Oh dear! Well, they’d be picking up bits of fingers from their nice green lawns for a while.

Owl: Can’t a peaceful solution be found?

Gertrude: Maybe the humans could migrate south for the summer.

Hank: We need to keep them off the lake. What is needed is a big, beautiful wall that can only be flown over. They have the money to pay for it too.

Gertrude: No gate though, just wall, for as far as a bird can see.