The Light Lens

• By T. TOURIS –

Shelved Elves

Every December there is a massive increase of seasonal workers to handle the holiday crush. They are usually under-paid and over-stressed during this time and to top it off, they are now facing a new threat from a deadly virus. I talked to one worker to get a first-hand perspective of what it’s like to work under these conditions.

Me: So, is it right that you were once the personal dentist to Santa?

Hermey: Yeah, I maintained the big guy’s pearly whites.  Truth be told, he says he flosses regularly, but I know he’s lying. It’s good to be the keeper of Naughty/Nice list—funny how “Kris Kringle” is always in the Nice column. Don’t get me wrong, I did have a sweet gig during the Rudolph era. The United Federation of Elven Toy Workers provided great health and dental benefits and I had more clients than I could handle.

Me: So, what happened? Why are you sitting on this shelf surveilling little Bethany?

Hermey: Well, things quickly went downhill soon after Rudolph flew the coop. He nearly popped his neon nose when SC halved the reindeers’ corn allotment as a cost cutting measure. The pressure from foreign toy manufacturers was becoming too much. And, without the prestige of having Rudolph behind the brand, Santa couldn’t keep things going. He sold the workshop and remaining toy inventory to a hedge fund. With the money from that, SC transformed the organization into a global security provider. We monitor potentially dangerous kids like Bethany who could become tomorrow’s hardened criminals.

Me: Ah, I see. So, describe your average workday now.

Hermey: Well, I sit on this shelf.

Me: Is that all?

Hermey: Frankly, it’s a bit embarrassing and I’m not proud of it. I sit here and stare at Bethany all day. Then when she goes to sleep, I have to file my nightly N/N report. After that I get instructions to go sit in some humiliating place and position until Bethany finds me in the morning.

Me: Sounds pretty creepy. Can’t you find other work?

Hermey: What other jobs are there for an over the hill elf dentist? I need to be careful too; My friend Hank got a job at an Amazon warehouse. He reports to a robot!

Me: I’m sorry things have gotten so bad. When do you think you’ll be able to retire?

Hermey: Retire and do what? Sit around all day sharpening my ears? No, an elf’s gotta work! 1