The Light Lens: Gutterus

by T. Touris

There is a little known ancient god named Gutterus: the god of domestic gutters.  He was spawned from the incestuous mating of Hades (god of the underworld) and his daughter Hestia (goddess of the home andhearth).  You can bet Gutterus had a rough start to immortality and he’s not very jolly.

In fact, like most ancient gods, Gutterus is a mean, vindictive jerk.

Here are a few Gutterus quotes shared by anonymous Olympic sources:

“I see that Demetrius has failed to make his semi-annual ascent to the roof to purify his gutters. I think a few pinecones need to be jammed down his downspouts.  We’ll see how long it takes him to get those out.”

“Alexis is thumbing her nose at me! Three years since a proper hosing of her gutters! During the next downpour, when her gutters overflow I’ll call in a favor to my cousin Sumpumpus Interruptus to teach her a lesson.”

“Oh, how cute.  George is installing gutter guards.  I guess the thousands of drachmas he’s is wasting will be punishment enough, but just for kicks I’ll send him a nice ice dam so he makes his required roof pilgrimage during bone freezing temperatures.”

We should be grateful that Gutterus is too low in the pecking order to demand human sacrifices or have the ability to turn people into chipmunks.  Nevertheless, during the next ascent to your rooftop for the cleansing ritual, give a little prayer of thanks to Gutterus for keeping your foundation sound and your basement dry.

Even minor gods need to feel appreciated.